Growing Up and Apart

Before i came to Australia, i have never slept in a separate bedroom from my sister for more than a month cumulatively in my whole life. This continued up till I turned 18.

I remember when we were in primary school, we would lie next to each other, one of us on the mattress on the ground and the other on the lower bunk of our double decker bed. Every night before we went to bed we would chat about the things that happened in school and then i would try to drift off to sleep while she intermittently asked me if i was still awake. She was always afraid of monsters under the bed.

It wasn't until years later that i found out how terrified she was all those nights when she'd tried to keep me awake. She thanked me for not freaking out all those years ago or she would have gone hysterical with fear.

Then as we entered secondary school we moved into my parent's immense master bedroom because mum was lonely when dad was overseas, which was pretty much all the time. We'd whisper to each other before we went to sleep but mum could always hear us even if we were signing to each other with our hands. Unbelievable. Of course we got shushed.

After we came to Australia, we were crammed together in a small room in our student hostel and it created alot of friction between us. Things started to go further downhill after i got together with MOAO, because i didn't have as much time for her. She got jealous and slightly resentful of him. I felt that she was judging me and i pulled myself away from her even more because of my guilt and my insecurities. It was a tough year for my sister.

Eventually, she and MOAO got along pretty well with each other. But by then, she had moved out to be closer to her school. Now, i don't even get to see her once a month. We still talk about everything under the sun when she comes to visit and we still chat online.

I miss her. And all i feel is remorse and regret for i haven't been the sister she has needed and deserved for the last 4 years. I want to make it up to her, but i don't know how because now we're both preoccupied with our own paths to our separate careers. The only way my affection for her manifests is by the generous (but nothing super fancy...) birthday presents i buy for her each year.

We don't have the leisure to lie next to each other every night talking about everything and nothing anymore. We don't go to the same school or hang out with the same friends. She can no longer memorise my essays to reproduce in her exams and i no longer have to explain to her how a barometer works in the hopes that she would pass her physics paper.

Is this how General #1, 2, 3, 4 came to grow apart as well? To have warring opinions and miscommunications? To have absolutely different child-rearing practices and other ideas on how to deal with the problems of the one with the genial smile and silver white hair?

I don't want my sister and I to end up like them. Hopefully we won't.